The outnet clearance: the good, the bad, and the incredibly ugly

The Outnet clearance sale has commenced, giving mere mortals the chance to swoop heavily discounted designer thingies at prices that they're actually worth. Unfortunately, I'm not even in a position to be having bargains, but that doesn't stop me from dreaming up all the places I'd wear the striped Carven jacket or the Miu Miu top. In the spirit of delusion, won't you come with me on a virtual shopping adventure wherein I fill an imaginary shopping cart with items of clothing that are theoretically in my size and that I would like to figuratively buy??? Oh, but won't you?

1. Carven striped canvas jacket, $174 (was $1,090)
2. Hervé Léger odette leather sandals, $92 (was $575)
3. Felder Felder Lily silk dress, $93.60 (was $585)
4. The Row Williams silk twill pants, $158.40 (was $990)
5. Miu Miu cutout leather and satin top, $303.20 (was $1,895)
6. M Missoni long embroidered wool coat, $285 (was $1,780)


And now, please brace your gag reflexes for just a few of the bewilderingly ugly items on offer at the sale.

Anna Sui dress that looks like something my mom would have confiscated from me in high school because it violated the no "underwear as outerwear" policy. Also, because it's just plain terrible looking.

Marc Jacobs usually knows his way around a vintage inspired look, but this just reminds me of those puffy, velvet flocked hangers in dress form. I imagine it would also make your bust very, very sad.

Marchesa, or the Kardashians for TJ Maxx?!

Thanks to Herve Leger and what can only be described as a patchwork frayed denim freakum dress, I am reminded that 1999 was definitely not among the finest of our sartorial moments. Why anyone would choose to resurrect the trends of the era is beyond the scope of my comprehension.

I won't be losing any sleep over not busting out the pay later card on these particular items. It's no Barney's sale.