The outnet clearance: the good, the bad, and the incredibly ugly

The Outnet clearance sale has commenced, giving mere mortals the chance to swoop heavily discounted designer thingies at prices that they're actually worth. Unfortunately, I'm not even in a position to be having bargains, but that doesn't stop me from dreaming up all the places I'd wear the striped Carven jacket or the Miu Miu top. In the spirit of delusion, won't you come with me on a virtual shopping adventure wherein I fill an imaginary shopping cart with items of clothing that are theoretically in my size and that I would like to figuratively buy??? Oh, but won't you?

1. Carven striped canvas jacket, $174 (was $1,090)
2. Hervé Léger odette leather sandals, $92 (was $575)
3. Felder Felder Lily silk dress, $93.60 (was $585)
4. The Row Williams silk twill pants, $158.40 (was $990)
5. Miu Miu cutout leather and satin top, $303.20 (was $1,895)
6. M Missoni long embroidered wool coat, $285 (was $1,780)


And now, please brace your gag reflexes for just a few of the bewilderingly ugly items on offer at the sale.

Anna Sui dress that looks like something my mom would have confiscated from me in high school because it violated the no "underwear as outerwear" policy. Also, because it's just plain terrible looking.

Marc Jacobs usually knows his way around a vintage inspired look, but this just reminds me of those puffy, velvet flocked hangers in dress form. I imagine it would also make your bust very, very sad.

Marchesa, or the Kardashians for TJ Maxx?!

Thanks to Herve Leger and what can only be described as a patchwork frayed denim freakum dress, I am reminded that 1999 was definitely not among the finest of our sartorial moments. Why anyone would choose to resurrect the trends of the era is beyond the scope of my comprehension.

I won't be losing any sleep over not busting out the pay later card on these particular items. It's no Barney's sale.

TopShop Jellies via Knightcat

In the words of me, I would rather strap flaming turds to my feet or wear thigh high boots sewn from the skin of premature dead babies than let these perverted abominations anywhere near me.

That being said, I'm a fickle creature, so give it 3 weeks and a handful of sightings on Kate Bosworth and I'll probably be fully on-board.

Discuss...

fashion anathema: the thuggie

In what is apparently the bastard offspring of a snuggie, a hoodie, and a tall tee, behold the Thuggie, a "pants optional" (according to the website) garment designed to give the wearer a surefire, completely hormone-free method of birth control. I DO NOT cosign this look (outside of an ironically-themed hipster "thuggie" party OMG GOOD IDEA) but if given a "Would You Rather" involving this and those five finger running shoes I'd go Thuggie all the way and rock that shit with some leggings and Isabel Marant wedge high tops. Done and done.

So, which would you rather? Wear a Thuggie for a week straight, or the five finger running shoes?

hardly strictly bluegrass

wearing vintage Saks Fifth Avenue label shirt (last seen here), UO jeans and boots, etsy horseshoe earrings, vintage bracelets, costume shop sunglasses




Saw Broken Social Scene, Irma Thomas, the Preservation Hall Jazz Band (!!), and Steve Earle today in the park. For free. And as if that weren't enough, this business in the front, party in the back dude:





It was awesome.

what I saw at Folsom Street Fair

Well, let's just say what is seen cannot be unseen, so proceed with caution (that means you, mom).











For those who don't know, the Folsom Street Fair is an annual gathering of BDSM enthusiasts in San Francisco. For about 8 hours, the streets are overrun with sexual deviants of all stripes and colors. Here are just a few of the things I saw:

- Bare-assed men getting whipped before a delighted crowd
- A pair of she-males pissing on a woman
- butt plugs (one with a whale tail hanging from it!)
- cock rings (stacked 5 or 6 high! It was like an arm party...but on a cock)
- ball gags

...and so much more! No really, so much more. Too much more. It was an experience to say the least, and I'm glad I did it but it was kind of like Disneyland--once is too much. I think I'm good for a few years.

If you have nerves of steel, check out the rest of the (NSFW) photos after the jump!

i will not

I didn't buy any of the Lanvin for H&M stuff because I was the dumb bitch who showed up on Sunday and casually asked if there were any pieces left. Would I have liked to get my hands on some of it? Sure. The sunglasses are about in my price range. I'm sure those would have been nice. But will I lose sleep over it, spend the rest of my life in a regretful funk, OR pay some opportunistic little housewife running an ebay side business a 500% retail mark-up for one of the sold-out pieces? FUCK NO.

I mean really, $315 for a pair of sunglasses that cost $20 retail? To say that this defeats the purpose of the whole exercise is a profound understatement.

fashion anathema: the victoria's secret fashion show

A Victoria's Secret fashion show may be the only place you can see Behati Prinsloo swathed in a deflated soccer ball and silver tape:







This shit looks like it was conceived during a late-night binge drinking session by a club promoter whose idea of fashion has been gleaned entirely from lap dances and role-playing scenes in Olympic Sluts Part IV. It's Vegas meets I CAN'T.

the best/worst of nyfw

Judging by my butt hurt silence on the subject, I'm sure you can guess I did not receive a special invitation to sit front-row at any New York Fashion Week shows. HOW RUDE.

I did however, deign to sift through all 9,000 photos on Style.com to pick out my favorites and least favorites.

First, the highlights:



Candy-colored paint splatters (and kick-ass platforms) at Alexandre Herchcovich, supreme print-mixing at Proenza Schouler, and sporty stripes and roomy slacks (and a blue turban that I need on my head right now) at Jason Wu.

Loving the long, neutral silhouettes brought to us by Bensoni, Prabal Gurung, and Matthew Ames

Woodsy prints at Rodarte, tea-stained lace at Vivienne Tam, and furry, pom-pom knits at Frank Tell

And now, the lowlights, AKA anything so ugly that I would rather wear a dead baby or strap flaming turds to my feet.



The only addition that could make this dress more suggestive of female genitalia would be to have a long red chiffon scarf poking out of the middle--or a babydoll head. (Marchesa)
This outfit is available for less at your local Wilson's Leather (Ralph Lauren)

Not sure whether a hip pocket for your electric razor and a couple of tubes of lipgloss is an amazing idea or just a really really misguided one. Thanks, VPL, for thoroughly confusing me.

Do you want the world to be your gynecologist AND make it look like you don't have a waist?!? Then boy oh boy do I have the monokini for you... (Staerk)

What were your favorites/least favorites from NYFW?

solstice

I'm celebrating the longest day of the year by watching the Kardashians give each other bikini waxes. Don't judge--I've seen you dancing alone to Pony.

wearing thrifted Jones NY pants, sheer t-shirt from LF, Calvin Klien blazer, vintage necklace and bracelets,F21 sunglasses, thrifted bag, Made by Elves shoes.

Outfit post from Sunday's fruitful shopping adventure. I wish I could say that the pants are as comfortable as they are unflattering, but alas, they're a bit snug through the waist. In theory though, they're a fantastic alternative to jeans. Must find a slightly larger pair.

throwing shade

It was bloody hot this weekend--which I'm sure you'll recognize is a rare thing for San Francisco. Also rare: me in shorts. It's not that I don't love them, its just that they frighten and confuse me. Especially when, like this particular pair of vintage Levi's, they give you a mean camel toe (which has been deliberately cut off in the photo below. This is a family friendly blog!)

wearing vintage Levis cut offs, Zara flats, thrifted silk shirt, Martin & Osa cardigan, Timex watch, ray ban sunglasses

And I got new nailssssss!!!

still hungry?

I want to like Giles' Spring 2010 collection. I really do. I'm just a little preoccupied with the fact that this model looks like she needs dewormer and a blood transfusion. Fuck, she's skinny.

In other news, I ate a bacon wrapped hot dog this weekend.

mangarters?

Dear John Galliano,

This is getting a little out-of-hand. Please refrain from featuring lacy underpinnings in your men's collections in the near future. 

Cheers,

Joanna